#EverydayLife

Out Of The Woods Yet

forest
I am still floating somewhere between pine trees and foggy mornings, almost stepping on the trail to the sunrise but still so far away.

I was in the car the other night and I put on Taylor Swift’s 1989. Not a revolutionary beginning to the story, I know, but bear with me. I remember when that album first came out, October of 2014. I ordered it instantly from Target and waited impatiently for it to arrive. When it did, I played it in the car on the way to my job as a cashier at a sub-par grocery store chain.

At first, I missed the old romantic country sway to her music, the innocent artist and melodies I connected to at 16 when I first heard “Teardrops On My Guitar” and she wore that green dress. But as I really listened to her new sound, I realized that Taylor was speaking to me again, even though I was 22 and almost a woman. Almost. I started crying when I heard the parallels to my most recent breakup in “Clean” and again when I listened to “You Are In Love” and realized I was.

But more than all of that, I put the song that asked the most important question on replay. The song that my best friend can’t stand but I need to listen to over and over again when I am running and when I am driving and when I just don’t have the answer. It is asking a question over and over, a question I ask my millennial self every single day.

Are we out of the woods yet?

I thought I was out of the woods when I earned my degree and realized homework, professors, and bad dining hall food were manifestations of the past. I thought I was out of the woods when I returned to Europe after two years, stepping on foreign streets and feeling the cracks beneath cobblestones heal the cracks in my heart. I thought I was out of the woods when I officially began freelancing and getting paychecks for words. I thought I was out of the woods when my boyfriend and I said yes, we are in love and yes, we are a couple.

I thought I was out of the woods when I gave my notice to the sub-par grocery store to start doing a job that has value and growth and a purpose.

All of these moments gifted a temporary sense of security, one that boasted I had my shit together to the rest of the world. Such a delicate illusion that I really love to play up with lipstick and foundation and a clean bedroom, when in fact, I don’t feel like I am out of the woods yet. I am still floating somewhere between pine trees and foggy mornings, almost stepping on the trail to the sunrise but still so far away. There is always a black wolf standing before me with a haunting moon howl, keeping me in skinny birch shadows.

Taylor asked the question a year ago as I drove to the job as an almost woman, an almost something. She asked it again, a week ago last night.

Are we in the clear yet?

I’m not. I’m not in the clear yet. I don’t even know what clear means.

I just know I’m tired of foggy mornings and black wolves without a name.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Out Of The Woods Yet

  1. I love this because 1) the raw emotion 2) your writing is terrific and 3) Taylor Swift 1989. I’m 29 but seriously, ever since October I’ve been loving this album as well. And I can completely relate to what you wrote.

    Like

Join the Conversation

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s